Now not the actual flying squirrels with cute caped armpits, I’m talking about these chunky fucks:
The Fox Squirrel.
Ozzy’s arch nemesis.
Yesterday, I got home from work and promptly took the dogs outside. One of these chunky fucks was apparently surprised by our arrival even though we were not quiet about it. The dogs tree’d him in the smallest tree in the yard. Mind you, this tree is still twice my height. There was no chance that the dogs could actually get to him. Despite this, I didn’t want the dogs harassing him. So ring around the tree I go, trying to grab Ozzy because once I wrangle him, Samus will follow. Dogs are fast though so this was not working. The whole time the squirrel is chattering his fool head off.
Finally, I stop, put my hands on my hips and kindly explain to the squirrel that he needs to shut the fuck up because it’s just keeping the dogs all riled up.
MOTHER FUCKER LAUNCHES HIMSELF AT ME LIKE I’M THE NEXT AVAILABLE GODDAMN TREE.
I scream the world’s most pathetic scream, which I think caused him to realize, “OH SHIT THIS IS NOT A TREE” and he lands on my foot and scampers off up a giant maple tree.
Now I am forever scarred by the image of a fat, brown fuck with tail helicoptering coming at me from above.
Fucking squirrels.