Oh Sweet Heavens

Dear Beautiful and Clever Cupcakesandmachetes,

Oh where did you go my dear love? Your silence is bringing me such woe! How could you leave me high and dry like this? I’ve loved you ever since the first day I read your blog about raining menstrual blood. Need I say more?!

I crave your insightful posts as I crave fatty fatty cake!

Love always,

Your biggest fan ever.

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There are a million ways to make yourself feel like your opinions matter. This here is the best example ever. Write your own fanmail. No trolls.

 

But seriously, I should be receiving messages like this on a daily basis due to my incredible amounts of awesome.

Full Moon and Then Some

Anonymity on this blog has been so GODDAMN liberating. I haven’t even made it to 10 posts yet and the unrelenting truth is so addicting! I can hardly keep my mouth shut in every day life anymore. My first reaction is to just blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. Luckily, my filter is still somewhat intact….for now. I could easily end up jobless within the next couple of months. Well….as long as I wait until the customer is out of the store I will probably be okay. My boss is quite the cynical bastard as well.

Tourettes could possibly be one of the greatest syndromes ever. I’m sure people with Tourettes probably disagree but let me have my fantasy here people.

Imagining the look on someone’s face when you just suddenly yell “Douche nugget!” or “Fart knocking mother fucker!” would be absolutely priceless.

Let’s take this one step further. Let’s imagine running naked through the streets and stopping in an intersection only to bend over, spread your cheeks, and fart. All while humming the Jurassic Park theme tune.

That is how exhilarated this blog makes me feel.

 

Oh Don’t Mind Me

Usually I don’t pay attention to much of the human race. I mean, I deal with the ones I have to at work but other than that I stay out of people’s business. This whole making laws to control other people’s lives just baffles me. If they’re not hurting anyone why does it matter?

Anywho, that’s a topic for another day but it does lead into my main point.

Someone just always has to come along and fuck up your grove. Never mind that I’m not bothering anyone else, please ruin my day anyway.

Oh really? You just wanted to make a point? A point that I didn’t even ask the question to. A topic about something I could give a shit less about. THANK YOU! Now that you think you’ve done your good deed for the day and highly irritated me at the same time, please move along and ruin someone else’s day. Or better yet, go home and lock yourself inside. I guarantee that society will be much better for it and your stupid, pathetic ideals will not live on.

ONE person can easily ruin your faith in humanity (at least for one day and then you have to pray that some awesome soul out there picks up this waste of human skins slack and brings you back around).

Who knew a cupcake would be the only thing in the world to expertly describe how I’m feeling after a day like today…

Hypocrisy

I don’t argue politics. Especially when I don’t have all the facts. (Why make yourself look like an idiot?) Apparently this is a evaporating (and quickly) characteristic no longer acceptable in today’s society.

You must choose one side or the other. There is no such thing as fence sitting.

But why would I want to choose a “side” when both genuinely make themselves look like idiots on a regular basis? WHY SIDE WITH IDIOTS AND HYPOCRITES?!

I’m not going to claim things should be a certain way when I don’t have all the facts and someone could easily call bullshit on me. Thanks to social media, I frequently see this happening. Facebook status’ slamming the very thing people do in their private lives.

For instance, all these little meme’s that say a person should stand alone and not depend on the government, all the while they’re living on STATE AID!

One example in thousands. Seriously, pay attention. How many hypocrites/idiots are on your friend’s list?

I bet that now that I’ve pointed it out, it will bug the shit out of you. I bet you start considering clicking that “unfriend” button in less than a week.

Buckets of Bullshit

Sometimes a girl just needs to rant. Diaries/journals are found and read by strangers frequently. Sometimes you can’t post the things you would REALLY like to post on social media because you never know who it will piss off and then consequently they will run off and tell on you to family and friends. Suddenly, you’re the biggest asshole that ever walked the planet. Well fuck that I say!

My solution. Anonymity. All names will be changed, places made up…..hell some might question whether there is any truth to anything said here at all…

GOOD.

Believe no one. Question everything.

Only two people in my life will know this blog even exists. The two people I trust that will never tell. Never rat me out.

Oh, and my dog. My dog knows everything. Even when I fart and blame it on the cat.