Yes this will be another rant about girls. But it’s okay because I’m a girl right?…..Shit, it’s my blog not yours! Whateva, whateva, I do what I want!
I feel like I should write a guide for girls about how to NOT ruin a metal show. To be fair though, not everyone violates the codes so I would probably waste money publishing it.
So, anywho, let me set the scene for you:
It’s a bright sunny 90 degree day. The date doesn’t matter. The location doesn’t really matter either. It’s Mayhem Festival. Slipknot, Slayer, Anthrax, and Motorhead. (Plus, a bunch of shitty bands that didn’t belong. But alas, that happens all the time.) The crowd is mostly male but females increase in numbers every year. Perhaps it is because more and more women are finding their love of metal music, or perhaps it’s just more girls going to please their guys. I guess we can never really be sure of which. There are two stages. The Jagermeister stage and the main stage. Plenty of blacktop to amp up the days heat. Lots of vendors selling cheap jewelry and pot paraphernalia. $9 beer and $8.50 personal pizzas. Don’t forget the $6 roasted almonds.
An all day music festival is a beautiful, expensive thing.
So where then, does my issue with women come in? Let me list the ways. (I like lists.)
1. To all the girls that attempted to dress “metal” for the day because they came with their boyfriend and his friends, WE CAN TELL. Maybe this is where your love of metal will blossom but please, stop trying so hard. The beautiful thing about metal is, people are accepting. Not everyone, but most.
2. No matter how tough you are, no guys want you in the mosh pit. If generally you’re considered one of the bros, you won’t be this time. No guy is going to touch you. In fact I watched a girl get booed out of a Slayer pit at this very festival. Most men don’t enjoy potentially hurting a woman in any shape or form, they also don’t enjoy when you ruin their pit. Notice how the pit dissipates upon your arrival? (However, if it is an entire pit of girls, have at that shit.)
3. Wearing a bikini top and crowd surfing is about the stupidest thing you can do. There will ALWAYS be one asshole that will untie your top. Then you act shocked as your breasts are flailing about on top of a crowd of hundreds of people. This goes for miniskirts too.
4. Who taught you bitches to hover over a toilet seat? Because you are spraying that shit everywhere.
5. Asking Alexandria should have never been allowed to produce music. Seriously, that band is fucking terrible. I would say that anyone that likes it is a vagina but my vagina is horribly offended by that.
There it is, my guide to metal shows for girls. FUCKING USE IT.