Monthly Archives: July 2012

Raining Menstrual Blood

Yes this will be another rant about girls. But it’s okay because I’m a girl right?…..Shit, it’s my blog not yours! Whateva, whateva, I do what I want!

I feel like I should write a guide for girls about how to NOT ruin a metal show. To be fair though, not everyone violates the codes so I would probably waste money publishing it.

So, anywho, let me set the scene for you:

It’s a bright sunny 90 degree day. The date doesn’t matter. The location doesn’t really matter either. It’s Mayhem Festival. Slipknot, Slayer, Anthrax, and Motorhead. (Plus, a bunch of shitty bands that didn’t belong. But alas, that happens all the time.) The crowd is mostly male but females increase in numbers every year. Perhaps it is because more and more women are finding their love of metal music, or perhaps it’s just more girls going to please their guys. I guess we can never really be sure of which. There are two stages. The Jagermeister stage and the main stage. Plenty of blacktop to amp up the days heat. Lots of vendors selling cheap jewelry and pot paraphernalia. $9 beer and $8.50 personal pizzas. Don’t forget the $6 roasted almonds.

An all day music festival is a beautiful, expensive thing.

So where then, does my issue with women come in? Let me list the ways. (I like lists.)

1. To all the girls that attempted to dress “metal” for the day because they came with their boyfriend and his friends, WE CAN TELL. Maybe this is where your love of metal will blossom but please, stop trying so hard. The beautiful thing about metal is, people are accepting. ┬áNot everyone, but most.

2. No matter how tough you are, no guys want you in the mosh pit. If generally you’re considered one of the bros, you won’t be this time. No guy is going to touch you. In fact I watched a girl get booed out of a Slayer pit at this very festival. Most men don’t enjoy potentially hurting a woman in any shape or form, they also don’t enjoy when you ruin their pit. Notice how the pit dissipates upon your arrival? (However, if it is an entire pit of girls, have at that shit.)

3. Wearing a bikini top and crowd surfing is about the stupidest thing you can do. There will ALWAYS be one asshole that will untie your top. Then you act shocked as your breasts are flailing about on top of a crowd of hundreds of people. This goes for miniskirts too.

4. Who taught you bitches to hover over a toilet seat? Because you are spraying that shit everywhere.

5. Asking Alexandria should have never been allowed to produce music. Seriously, that band is fucking terrible. I would say that anyone that likes it is a vagina but my vagina is horribly offended by that.

There it is, my guide to metal shows for girls. FUCKING USE IT.

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Nerd Rage

Finding a girl that enjoys playing video games is rare. Finding a hot girl that plays video games is one in a million.

Perhaps it is this reason that leads me hate virtually every girl gamer I’ve met. Reasons listed below:

1. They think just because they’re a girl and play video games, it automatically means they’re the coolest girl ever.

2. They frequently use the fact that they have a vagina to get attention from random creeps online. And giggle happily about it.

3. 95% of the time they suck at the game. Focus on my vagina, forget game mechanics!

4. They think all other girl gamers want to be BFFs and “Us girls gotta stick together!”

Just…………..no.

Consequently, the other option is girls that don’t play any video games. Nagging ensues…..boy is miserable…….girl makes boy choose between the two……girl loses.

The couple that games together, stays together.

Or at least that’s my logic. Now fuck off, it’s time to play some World of Warcraft.

Full Moon and Then Some

Anonymity on this blog has been so GODDAMN liberating. I haven’t even made it to 10 posts yet and the unrelenting truth is so addicting! I can hardly keep my mouth shut in every day life anymore. My first reaction is to just blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. Luckily, my filter is still somewhat intact….for now. I could easily end up jobless within the next couple of months. Well….as long as I wait until the customer is out of the store I will probably be okay. My boss is quite the cynical bastard as well.

Tourettes could possibly be one of the greatest syndromes ever. I’m sure people with Tourettes probably disagree but let me have my fantasy here people.

Imagining the look on someone’s face when you just suddenly yell “Douche nugget!” or “Fart knocking mother fucker!” would be absolutely priceless.

Let’s take this one step further. Let’s imagine running naked through the streets and stopping in an intersection only to bend over, spread your cheeks, and fart. All while humming the Jurassic Park theme tune.

That is how exhilarated this blog makes me feel.

 

Oh Don’t Mind Me

Usually I don’t pay attention to much of the human race. I mean, I deal with the ones I have to at work but other than that I stay out of people’s business. This whole making laws to control other people’s lives just baffles me. If they’re not hurting anyone why does it matter?

Anywho, that’s a topic for another day but it does lead into my main point.

Someone just always has to come along and fuck up your grove. Never mind that I’m not bothering anyone else, please ruin my day anyway.

Oh really? You just wanted to make a point? A point that I didn’t even ask the question to. A topic about something I could give a shit less about. THANK YOU! Now that you think you’ve done your good deed for the day and highly irritated me at the same time, please move along and ruin someone else’s day. Or better yet, go home and lock yourself inside. I guarantee that society will be much better for it and your stupid, pathetic ideals will not live on.

ONE person can easily ruin your faith in humanity (at least for one day and then you have to pray that some awesome soul out there picks up this waste of human skins slack and brings you back around).

Who knew a cupcake would be the only thing in the world to expertly describe how I’m feeling after a day like today…

Hypocrisy

I don’t argue politics. Especially when I don’t have all the facts. (Why make yourself look like an idiot?) Apparently this is a evaporating (and quickly) characteristic no longer acceptable in today’s society.

You must choose one side or the other. There is no such thing as fence sitting.

But why would I want to choose a “side” when both genuinely make themselves look like idiots on a regular basis? WHY SIDE WITH IDIOTS AND HYPOCRITES?!

I’m not going to claim things should be a certain way when I don’t have all the facts and someone could easily call bullshit on me. Thanks to social media, I frequently see this happening. Facebook status’ slamming the very thing people do in their private lives.

For instance, all these little meme’s that say a person should stand alone and not depend on the government, all the while they’re living on STATE AID!

One example in thousands. Seriously, pay attention. How many hypocrites/idiots are on your friend’s list?

I bet that now that I’ve pointed it out, it will bug the shit out of you. I bet you start considering clicking that “unfriend” button in less than a week.

Like Totally For Sure

I’m not very old. Mid twenties and yet….I feel old. I’m already saying things like, “Remember back in the day when…”

My cousin is half my age and into Pokemon. “I remember when that shit came out!” (And yes. I still like it.)

“Man, I had the coolest set of Slammers and pogs!”

Any song from either the 80s or the 90s automatically reminds me of my childhood in some form. (I was legitimately shocked to find out that Chumbawumba broke up. I had no idea they were still together/making music.)

Spandex leggings are back and all the rage.

Mosh pits suddenly require far more energy than I can muster. Plus, I ache for days after.

Girls dress horrendously slutty at an incredibly early age. In all fairness, this probably happened back when I was in high school but because we were young and stupid we didn’t consider it slutty.

Everyone I know went out and popped out babies pretty much right off the bat. Now I’m the one getting strange looks because I don’t have a single child. (Nor have I been married or divorced. Blasphemy I say!)

The list could go on and on. If I make it to 30, I’m going to need to stop keeping track of these things or I will surely drive myself batty.

 

Buckets of Bullshit

Sometimes a girl just needs to rant. Diaries/journals are found and read by strangers frequently. Sometimes you can’t post the things you would REALLY like to post on social media because you never know who it will piss off and then consequently they will run off and tell on you to family and friends. Suddenly, you’re the biggest asshole that ever walked the planet. Well fuck that I say!

My solution. Anonymity. All names will be changed, places made up…..hell some might question whether there is any truth to anything said here at all…

GOOD.

Believe no one. Question everything.

Only two people in my life will know this blog even exists. The two people I trust that will never tell. Never rat me out.

Oh, and my dog. My dog knows everything. Even when I fart and blame it on the cat.